My heart...
It feels weird...
Something between pain and loss
I feel it being sqeezed slowly agonizingly
Every moment lengthening stretching, the hurt lingering, making me
feel every drop it gave.
I don't understand this pain, is it pain? Or is it the fear of
uncertainty? Of jumping off a skyscraper blindfolded without a
parachute but with hope that someone would be at the bottom with a
trampoline or a huge jumping castle that would catch me. That was all
I had, hope.
Maybe it isn't true, maybe it isn't that bad? I won't know until it
happens, until I'm truly airborne and helpless, until that moment I
hit the fabric of my lifebouy and am no longer lost in the sea of
darkness.
I know Allah is with me and that truly is enough. I'm not just saying
that. And I know He loves me and won't hurt me, but life is a test and
true happiness isn't here in this life, it's later in heaven, where
free falling into nothingness wouldn't even cross my mind
But I'm not there yet, I'm here in this world where certainty is a
luxury that not everyone has.
So here I am, freefalling into the unknown with the only certainty I
would ever need, Allah.
It'll take a while until my heart won't stop hurting, because even if
Allah is with me, I must go through this life , live and ace its tests.
Sigh...